She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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