Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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