And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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