I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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