We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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