How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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