the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
