I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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