I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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