if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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