I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
