Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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