I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
