I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
