Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i think im in europe. pls send help
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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