you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
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I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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