i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
