You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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