drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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