After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
