I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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