i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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