I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
