so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
