Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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