So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I don't deserve a penis
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
