when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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