In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The beer is more important than you right now.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
