i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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