Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
