sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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