Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
