My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
