I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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