I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
