Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Acid is not a monday night drug
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
