You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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