thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
