if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
