I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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