I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
