i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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