it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
