All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
