I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
