He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
