i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
