sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
