New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
