I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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