woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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