He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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