im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
