dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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