I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
