I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
